I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
