Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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