I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
