I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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