Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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