She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
