meet me or not, i'm out of control
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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