i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
