M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
