we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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