there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
