Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
