I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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