I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
