Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
