I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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