my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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