considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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