apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
