i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize