Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
