just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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