oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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