and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
