Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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