You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
