he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
