He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
