I'm passing your future prison.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
