I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
