Best friends brother. Beat that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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