the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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