i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
