I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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