it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
