dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
