im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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