Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
