your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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