Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
