Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have already put on my inside pants.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
