1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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