I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
