The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How does one acquire holy water?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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