mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
