I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize