I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
