I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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