life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
