he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
