I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
