We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Randomize
