I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
