ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
