Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
