so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
