Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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