Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
